Sad news

God grant me the SERENITY
to accept the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference.

I received my results yesterday... And It's confirmed that I had a miscarriage.

I guess I knew this was happening ever since the first day I saw the spotting. Many people were comforting me telling me their stories of having pregnancy complications and everything turning out ok. It comforted me... But the first day of spotting, I just knew it wasn't going to be ok.

The first day of spotting I noticed that all the feelings I had the couple weeks before suddenly disappeared! Food aversions, gone. Breast tenderness, gone. Mood swings, gone. Tiredness, gone. I stopped feeling pregnant. This spotting started at week 6. When I started with the cramping last Friday and went to the ER I still felt uneasy even though they said that the heart beat was there and everything was ok. I was happy and grateful but something inside didn't feel right.

I kept thinking of Dr #1 saying HCG levels VERY low for 7 weeks. DR #2 saying my dates are a little off, baby is at 6 weeks not 7. (I knew for a fact that I was 7 weeks, which made me think that at 6 weeks my spotting begun and my baby stopped growing)

Sunday and Monday I had the most pain I have ever felt, menstrual cramps x 100 with increased bleeding ... I knew what was happening, but a part of me was holding on to all the stories that women go through this early on and everything will be ok.

Wednesday I had my ultrasound and yesterday the doctor called and said..... the baby was gone.
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I know I will be ok. I do consider myself a strong person. I have been through a lot growing up and lost many people I loved in my life... this almost seemed normal to experience the feelings of loss again. But it's different... I have overwhelming emotions and a little confused. This was the first time ever being pregnant and for such a short time. I feel like I'm a little foggy... almost as if I'm not sure of who I am anymore, or who I was or who I am suppose to go on to be.... I was pregnant and now I'm not. I feel like everything is just still.

I also have the other side of me that is very logical and understand that many first pregnancies have a 20% to 30% percentage of miscarriage. And I know many women that have gone through this same experience and went on to have beautiful babies. And I also understand that a loss this early in the stage is must easier to deal with than further along. My heart goes out to all women that had to experience such loss.

I just feel so sad because it felt like such a blessing and now it went away...

I promise I won't sound so sad tomorrow.

Thank you for all your support and thank you for allowing me to share my story with you. Thank you for also sharing your stories with me. I have many strong women that surround me. Yesterday some family came to visit and they all shared their experiences. My mom lost a baby when she was 4 months pregnant and she shared how hard that that was to deal with. I also was reconnected with a childhood friend that went through a miscarriage last month as well, she was so supportive and shared her experience with me and helped me through mine. I'm grateful for all the wonderful people that surround me.